I hate shopping. And of all the things in the whole world that I hate shopping for, I hate shopping for bras the most. It really irritates me that I have to spend so much money on those items of clothing just so that my breasts won’t flop around and look “unladylike” to others.The other day, I had to go shopping for bras. The last time I bought some was about three years ago at a flea market in McAllen, Texas. I got some really nice, brand new Vanity Fair bras with the tags still on them, for $3.00 each. I picked out my size 38C unpadded underwire bras, paid for them, and took them home. They fit.
I have worn size 38C unpadded underwire bras since my youngest daughter was born 32 years ago. I have never had to try bras on at the store. I just bought them in the right size, took them home, and wore them until they wore out or sprung a wire, then went and got some more. That is exactly what I expected to do when I went to get some more the other day.
But no! At my first choice of store, Target, there was not even one bra in the store that was a size 38C unpadded underwire version, in any brand. I even considered getting one that had just a little bit of padding, but nope, no 38C’s. I thought to myself, I must be in the world capital of size 38C boobies. So, I went to another store. Wal-Mart.
One thing I hate worse than shopping for bras is shopping at Wal-Mart for anything. But, because I was down to only two size 38C unpadded underwire bras, and one of those has a broken wire, I had to go get some new ones somewhere.
Since we were in Frederick for the day, I went to the Wal-Mart there. I found a couple different brands of bras that had my 38C unpadded underwire versions, so I grabbed up four of them, took them to the register, paid for them, and took them home. I felt victorious, that even though I had to go to Wal-Mart to get them, at least I had gotten my new underwear and it would be over with for another year.
When I got home, I changed into my nightgown and started cooking dinner for my husband and me. We have a new trailer that we just got in December. In my new kitchen, the microwave oven is installed above the stove top, where I have to reach over my head to put thing in and take things out. I was cooking steamed asparagus in the microwave that night.
When I reached into the microwave to take out the bowl of asparagus, I accidently poured the hot liquid from the bowl down the front of my body. I rushed into the bathroom and took off my clothes. I put cold water on the burn, then put on some Carmex. The pain stopped, but I was left with a two and half inch long red burn mark right between amd slightly below my size 38C breasts.
The next morning, as I was getting dressed for the day, I attempted to don one of my new size 38C unpadded underwire bras that I purchased the day before. Now, I don’t know how other girls do it, but I have never learned how to put on a bra and fasten it behind my back. No, I have always hooked that sucker on backwards, then turned it around to the correct position, and commenced pushing my 38C’s into the cups. It's like I am a contortionist at the circus every morning. But this day, that action was hampered not only by the pesky burn between my breasts, but also by the fact that even though the tags said “38C” on them, the dang thing wouldn’t fit.
It wasn’t even big enough to fasten, much less turn around on my body. What? I looked at the tag again, just to make sure I had picked up the right one at the store. Yes, it did say 38C on the tag, but the thing was just not big enough. Had I grown overnight? I mean, I have worn 38C unpadded underwire bras for 32 years, how could I have outgrown them in just one night? I soon realized that not only did that bra not fit, none of the ones I bought did. And then, I realized I would have to go back to Wal-Mart. Damn!
The next day, I went to the Wal-Mart in Gettysburg with my Bag O Bras from the other Wal-Mart. I had my receipt, but I had taken the tags of one of them. The sullen clerk at the Customer Service desk told me “I will take this back this time, but we normally don’t take bras back if the tags are torn off of them.” Oh, thanks, I’ll remember that one.
After I got my money back, I went to the lingerie department. I quickly found the size 38C unpadded underwire bras in some different brands from the ones I had bought the day before. I took them to the dressing room to try them on, and guess what? They didn’t fit, either. Now I knew. I HAD grown overnight. Just as I had suspected. I got dressed and went back out to the sales floor.
After trying on several bras, and irritating my burn along the way, I discovered that I had really blossomed into a size 40D in just 36 hours. So, now, I am the proud owner of six size 40D unpadded underwire bras. I hope I don’t grow any more.
